Monday, July 24, 2006

Lame Acts, Bad Food...and Hotties by the Thousands

In a few weeks, the event that typically signals the end of the Summer of Lose will be here....Musikfest, or as we affectionately refer to it as, Slutfest. It's an event of historic importance that we look forward to all year, but at the same time, we are saddened that another summer of Lose is rapidly coming to a close.

Now let me describe Musikfest. It's a 2 week "music and arts" festival in Bethlehem. Sounds sort of like Woodstock, eh? In reality, it's a bunch of lame, has-been acts, combined with a bunch of bad, over-priced food. I think in the last 10 years of attending we actually paid to see one act...Alice Cooper. So what is it that draws us there, year after year?? Why do we look forward to this event like no other?? The music? The food? The culture?? The Indians who are there every year peddling their CD's? No. It's because this event draws young, beautiful hotties to it by the thousands. You will witness such a concentration of C and D cup, gorgeous high school and college hotties, all wearing next to nothing, parading around like it was a Playboy photo shoot...."look at me!! look at me!! i'm so sexy!!" Hey, they're there to parade around and show how hot they are, and i'm there to watch. "Eeeww, look at those creepy old guys staring at us!!" is probably what they're saying to their friends. Uh, that's creepy "middle aged" guy, honey. Old guys are over 60.

Now, the general routine is to grab some dogs at Potts (see my Dogged Out blog entry for details) before entering the main drag of action, which happens to be on Main St. The Potts doggies are far superior to anything you can get at the fest. Once there, we purchase a few cigars, and settle in for the festivities. This typically involves finding a bench right on Main street and watching the action while we have a long smoke. You can kill a few hours with ease. Somewhere in there, we will pop for a refreshing lemonade to quench our thirst, which has built up from the cigar smoke. Then it's back to the bench. If we're really adventurous, we'll pop for a funnel cake or a gyro. Last year we found an off-site pizza place to kill some time at in-between cigars. I'm thinking this year, I might even bring the camcorder to preserve the event for posterity, sort of a chronicle of the summer of Lose.

Now, what kills me, is that it seems that very few of these girls parading around are less than a C cup. Huge breasts seem to be the norm, not the exception. Twenty years ago, that was the reverse. What is happening here? Is it the growth hormone in the food?? Is every teenager demanding and getting implants?? Hey, I know bra technology has come a long way, but in most cases, you can clearly tell it's not the bra......there's little left to the imagination. Especially when they all wear those midriff baring, preggo or strappy tops that are 2 sizes too small.
So if anyone has a scientific explanation for the undeniable prevalence of huge thingies, let me know.

Aaah, Musikfest. We've been losing there for decades. And decades from now, we'll still be losing there. Such is the life of Lose.


Blogger Stooge Moe said...

Event number one is in the books. Again, this year doesn't disappoint. Part of the fun while smoking the after dinner cigar is observing the teenie contingent and looking for patterns of behavior. The first thing you notice is that almost all of them are gorgeous. Now we don't know if that's just because we're old fogies and anything under 25 looks hot, or if the ratio of hotties to the average heifer is just way over average. Perhaps the fatties don't even consider coming out because they know they can't compete. Or they'd rather stay home snuggling up with some ice cream while reading a romance novel fantasizing about guys they'll never get.

The second obvious pattern is the fashion. Now none of these little vixens can stray from the prescribed slut outfits, so they all end up wearing about the same thing. This year seems to be the denim skirts and the preggo top. Along with that is dominantly brown flip flops, and all have straight long hair. Other flip flop colors were observed, but only if they match the outfit. I guess they want to portray the "just came off the beach" look. "I'm so young and active!" Is this fashion passed over the internet? Does it come from teenie mags? Who sets the trends?

Along with this beach motif are their perfect tans. These little minxes are surely busy all week working on their tans. Either slumming out on their deck or hitting the tanning salon. Guaranteed none of them have summer jobs. They look great now, but this will be their demise in about ten years. Many of them will look beat by 25.

Another pattern of behavior is the constant preening. It's the flipping of the hair, adjusting their bra, pulling down on their skirt, or touching their ass. It's obvious that they are sending out signals to the young males. "Eww, look at me." "I'm so hot." "I'm ready for a new boyfriend." "Buy something for me."

The final pattern we will discuss is the lack of eating or drinking. These two-face whores must gorge themselves before leaving the house, because you will never see them eating or drinking anything. I suppose this would give the wrong image that they are heifers in disguise and would scare away potential mates. Thou must only preen and prance around for mates.

Stay tuned for more patterns observed during the final week of this much heralded event.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Stooge Moe said...

Well, the final week has ended and only a couple of other patterns were observed. All the other patterns were repeated, probably because it was the same sluts from last week.

The new behavior along with the preening is the dance moves. When they're tired of touching every part of their hot little bodies, they will start doing little dance moves. These usually involve shaking their tight little asses around.

The other pattern is the hug hello. These girls act like they haven't seen each other in 2 years (when it's probably been like 2 days). They scream and run up to each other and go give each other a nice big hug. I guess this is a public display of who's in the clan or not. I guess we weren't in the club, because none gave us any hugs. Maybe next year.

It's all over Johnny. The greatest event of the summer is over. We're counting the days to the next annual event. Hurry, hurry, I can hardly wait!

2:53 PM  

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