Thursday, January 18, 2007

Lights Out

Usually at this time of year, depression sets in. I don't mean the usual depression. I mean the suicidal depression. Must be the weather. In any event, I typically start to think of good ways to commit suicide. My choices are the following:

1. Gun to the head. Of course this is the easiest and quickest. But it makes a mess, and whoever finds your rotting corpse has to see your brain matter splattered all over the furniture and wall.

2. Jump off a bridge. This one scares me too much, and i'm too much of a chicken. Plus, i'm scared of heights anyway. Jumping into Niagra Falls would be a trip, though.....but i'd probably somehow survive.

3. OD on Pills/poison/drugs. I can get some sodium azide or potassium cyanide from the lab at work. It would be a cinch to mix up a cocktail and drink it down. Too bad I can't find those cyanide capsules that everyone uses in wars. Goering was smuggled one and off'd himself a few hours before he was scheduled to be hanged. All you do is bite down and a few seconds later.. it's over, Johnny.

4. Car Exhaust. This one seems to be the best. Just rig up a hose from the exhaust to the cabin. Then, put on a CD of your favorite tunes (Slayer comes to mind...but Cheap Trick's "Auf Weidershen" would fit the bill better) and breathe until you pass out. Simple, and not messy.

5. Attend a Justin Timberlake Concert. In addition to the music, just seeing all those 15 year old hotties, and knowing that you don't have a chance with any of them, is enough to kill you. fellow Losers, take my advice!! I'm right behind you!!


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