Thursday, February 15, 2007

Lose Again!!

I'm quite certain that the thousands of readers of this blog (well, maybe two actually) don't yet understand what Lose really is. It's like you cannot understand the quantum world if you're not an electron (yeah, what a geeky analogy). But the recent series of events will amply demonstrate just what Lose is, and what it's like living the Life of Lose.

Now, I may have described how in this vast cesspool of life, there are certain oasis that you long for. Short, little events that briefly take away from the misery of it all. There were two such events scheduled this week, and I was looking forward to them like a fly waiting for poochie's daily dump. Of course, being Dips, the events were gigs, and the two gigs were to be two of the best out there right now, Mastodon and Slayer.

Mastodon were scheduled for Tuesday, and we already had tickets, since we figured it'd sell out. Now, lo and behold, we get this fucking snow and ice storm, and it just so happens to hit right on Tuesday night! We haven't had any fucking storms all year yet, and the one we get, it's on the night of the gig.
Yeah, that's LOSE. If you figure winter is 3 months or 90 days that was a 1/90 shot that the storm would be on the same day as the gig. So there you go, we didn't get our fix of the silverbursts and are out 20 bucks to boot.

Well, all is not lost, you say, as next in line was the mighty Slayer, scheduled for Saturday at the Atlantic City House of Blues. But you don't understand the power of Lose. Lo and behold, I get an email saying that the gig is cancelled.
The only one in the tour schedule to be cancelled as well. And there's no other gigs in the area. So the Slayer fix is out, too. Luckily the tickets refunded (minus the "service fee" of course).

I needed those gigs, too. There nothing as cathartic as the high volume din of cranked Marshalls. It's very cleansing. Makes you more able to face the rest of the shitty week (well, it wears off after a day).

Now that is what I'm talking about when I talk about Lose. Typically Lose happens in three's. What will complete the Trifecta?? Hey, I just had an X-ray of my bad kidney. My guess is the "spot" they found last time will have grown. Time for an operation!!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Valentine Bullshit

And now, fellow losers, we approach the most dreaded and ridiculous holiday of them all....valentines day. Yeah, we all know that it's a Hallmark holiday, simply made up to allow retailers to cash in during the post-Xmas winter lull. Hell, Easter is too far away, gotta fill it up with some ridiculous holiday!! The way I look at it, if I don't get a day off from work, it's not a holiday.

Now, for most losers, the point is moot because you don't have a chick to worry about anyway. You can simply go home and watch TV like any other night of lose.
If you do have some slut, then you need to buy her stuff. That's the only way you'll get laid later on. It's basically prostitution, only "cloaked" to be somehow acceptable. You will have to tell her how much you "love" her. Yeah, I love you baby. Now give me head. It cracks me up how ridiculous the whole thing is. Whatever the case, either flowers, dinner, jewelry, will need to shell out cash, and a lot of it.

The real dreaded part is having to deal with the inevitable "where are we going from here?" discussion. They will always pull that one out on such occasions. "I can't wait forever" and "we need to take our relationship to the next level" are lines they will use on you. You know having the bitch move in with you will ruin everything. The key trick is to stall but be very vague about it. "Soon", "I'll not quite ready yet", and "Just a little more time" are typical responses but they will not work in the long run. It's a fine art and i'll admit i'm not very skilled at it. The best response would be "honey, before we move in together, I think we should introduce anal". If she won't let you in her poop hole, then bye-bye!!