Thursday, December 30, 2010

How to Spend New Years Eve Alone

As many of my fellow losers will, like me, spend New Years Eve alone, i've compiled this help list to ease the agony. Here's what you can be doing, instead of banging some significant other like everybody else is doing.

1. Watch The Twilight Zone marathon on SciFi. This is usually what I wind up doing. My favorite episodes are the one with pre-Kojak Telly Savalas with the talking doll (talking Tina) he tries to kill, and the ones with pre-Star Trek Captain Kirk Bill Shatner where he becomes obsessed with a fortune telling machine with a devil head, and where he spots a man in a monkey suit on the plane wing and everyone thinks he's bonkers.

2. Watch the Three Stooges marathon on AMC. Hey, the Stooges rule what else can be said.

3. Watch Eraserhead. Or another Lynch masterpiece such as Mulholland Drive, or Lost Highway or Inland Empire. But Eraserhead is the bleakest, and more appropriate for new years eve of lose.

4. Watch Porn. This might not be a good idea, since you are watching what everyone else except you is doing for real. Why torture yourself even more?

5. Play the Ramones "It's Alive" album at high volume. This was recorded new years eve 1977 and kicks ass. YOu can follow it with Slayer's "Reign in Blood" for maximum effect.

6. Play russian roulette. Hey, I even bought a Ruger LCR just in case I decide to play.

7. Kill yourself. This might be the best option of all!!! That way you won't have to face another new years eve alone ever again!! As a bonus, you won't have to go into work on Monday, either.

Monday, December 27, 2010

50 Years of Lose

Here we are, another New Years Eve alone. Like in the movie "The Lonely Guy" with Steve Martin, they even spoof the middle aged loser who is alone on New Years. It's that funny, the average person laughs at it, saying "gee, how is that possible?? Oh, it's only a movie".

The Stooges sang about it in the song "No Fun"....

No fun to be alone
Talking to myself
No fun to be alone
In love....with nobody else.
Maybe go out,
Maybe stay home
Maybe call mom on the telephone,
Come on!

But I can't see how Iggy was alone, shit he must of had hundreds of sluts he was banging.

It gives me a chance to reflect on the last 50 years, all the bad choices, mistakes, and bad decisions. Here are just a sampling right off the top of my head. There's plenty more.

Bad mistake #1: Getting married to that nutcase ex, who is so evil I call her Satan. But damn, she never is without a stud. Not even a day. Goes right from one to the next. Where the hell does she find these idiots?? Hey I was one of them.

Bad mistake #2: Choosing a career in science and getting a PhD. There's no jobs and no money in it. All those years in school, and most people with a Bachelors are making more money than me. And most of the others in this field are real A typers/assholes which only makes it worse. I shoulda been a pharmacist. Or a truck driver.

Bad mistake #3: Back in grad school there was this freshman chick "M" who was totally smoking hot, and really was coming on to me. She would send me cards, letters, etc. and quite obviously wanted to fuck me. She must of been mental to want that, but nevertheless. This chick was playboy quality. What did dumbass me do? Ignored her, thinking she was too young (I was maybe 25-26, she was 17). Jesus how fucking stupid can I be to turn that down? I heard thru the grapevine she was a nympho too...just the final humiliation. I coulda married her. Loser again!!

Bad mistake #4: Trading in my vintage Marshall 100W Super Tremolo. That thing is worth big bucks now....but back then, I needed the money!!

Bad mistake #5: Being too chicken to put a gun to my head TONIGHT!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Fucking Christmas

Here we are again in the holiday season, and here I am again sitting here on Xmas eve alone, watching porn and playing doom metal. It doesn't get any better. And it won't.

Even worse is that the whole fucking winter is ahead. Nothing really to look forward to except some hot dogs and maybe all you can eat Chinese at the buffet. Now that i've lost 20 pounds, i've figured out the secret. I can still eat junk food, just not as MUCH junk food. Instead of two dogs and two burgers, just one of each. And diet soda. Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry just rules.

The only thing to look forward to is maybe getting a new car or truck this year. But I can't decide what to get, so I just keep the Jeep even though I really don't like the looks of it. Gas prices will be $4/gallon soon anyway.

Well back to Pentagram and Sasha Grey's "Teen Cum Junkies". What a wonderful, blessed night with family and friends!! Fuck christmas, one and all.