Thursday, January 18, 2007

Lights Out

Usually at this time of year, depression sets in. I don't mean the usual depression. I mean the suicidal depression. Must be the weather. In any event, I typically start to think of good ways to commit suicide. My choices are the following:

1. Gun to the head. Of course this is the easiest and quickest. But it makes a mess, and whoever finds your rotting corpse has to see your brain matter splattered all over the furniture and wall.

2. Jump off a bridge. This one scares me too much, and i'm too much of a chicken. Plus, i'm scared of heights anyway. Jumping into Niagra Falls would be a trip, though.....but i'd probably somehow survive.

3. OD on Pills/poison/drugs. I can get some sodium azide or potassium cyanide from the lab at work. It would be a cinch to mix up a cocktail and drink it down. Too bad I can't find those cyanide capsules that everyone uses in wars. Goering was smuggled one and off'd himself a few hours before he was scheduled to be hanged. All you do is bite down and a few seconds later.. it's over, Johnny.

4. Car Exhaust. This one seems to be the best. Just rig up a hose from the exhaust to the cabin. Then, put on a CD of your favorite tunes (Slayer comes to mind...but Cheap Trick's "Auf Weidershen" would fit the bill better) and breathe until you pass out. Simple, and not messy.

5. Attend a Justin Timberlake Concert. In addition to the music, just seeing all those 15 year old hotties, and knowing that you don't have a chance with any of them, is enough to kill you. fellow Losers, take my advice!! I'm right behind you!!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

2007: The Year of Lose

Here we are, fellow losers, faced with another year of lose. How can we possibly lose more than in the previous year?? Oh, that will be easy. It comes naturally to a loser. Rest assured, you will lose in 2007 like you've never lost before.

Now, here are a few ways i'm anticipating losing in 2007.

1. Deteriorating health. Of course as I approach the big half century mark, my health continues to plummet. And of course, I do nothing to prevent it. I could eat better, get some exercise. But to hell with it. If I croak, that could only make things better!!

2. Deteriorating health for my daughter. Being the pessimist that I am, it's only a matter of time before my daughter's CF starts to wreak havoc. It's been in control up till now, but let's face facts, inevitably it will happen. Won't it be fun to see her lung function deteriorate to nothing!! Won't it be fun to have to hang with the stinking ex-wife and her sugar daddy stud at the hospital while my daughter's there for a month-long stay!!

3. Getting laid off. Yeah, that's a distinct possiblity that this job could get axed. The few projects i'm working on will most likely not get approved, and then what?? Bye-bye!!

4. Death of immediate family. It won't be long before everyone i've grown up around, like parents and favorite aunts/uncles, start croaking. They're all in their 80's already. How much longer do you got at that age??

I could go on......but I think the pervasive pessimism gets thru.

On a positive note, hey, at least there's a Slayer gig coming up in February.

Let's all raise a glass to 2007......the YEAR OF LOSE!!!