Sunday, December 28, 2008

Alex Lifeson Disease

There was this website I stumbled across called "DinosaurRock" or something like that, and it had profiles of all the classic rock guitarists of the 60's and 70's.
All the usuals were there like Hendrix, Clapton, Page etc etc. A funny post though was the one on Alex Lifeson, and it went on about how he hasn't played with any "fire" for the last 30 years. They called such a wimping out "Alex Lifeson Disease", however admitting that the original culprit was probably none other than Eric Clapton. Yes indeed, Clapton was probably the first one who went from Gibson SG's into Marshall stacks and 20 minute jams to total crapola never to return. I mean, the guy even did a Cream reunion and played thru a Strat and a combo amp like a real wussie. Now, this disease seems to be quite rampant and I can add the following names having this affliction:

1. Eddie Van Halen. Jeez, this guy hasn't put out anything good in what, 24 years??
His guitars suck, too.

2. Jeff Beck. Another one who seems to dabble in everything BUT real kick ass rock and roll. Jazz, fusion, R&B, what the fuck Jeff, just rock you wussie!!!

3. Brian May. I don't know how Brian allowed Freddie to morph Queen from the earlier rock sound to the pop disco band they turned into. I guess Freddie wore the pants in that band, eh??

4. Ritchie Blackmore. Ritchie probably gets the award for the most 180 degree change in musical direction, ever. And it's all cause he's pussy whipped by his hottie wife. I mean have you heard the stuff he's putting out in Blackmores Night?? It's like folk renaissance music!! And this guy used to be smashing up strats every performance!! Jeez Ritchie, throw her ass out and start rocking again!!

5. Keith Richards. God bless good old Keef. But listen to how "Street Fighting Man" sounded on Get Yer Ya Ya's Out, and how it sounds the way they play it now. It doesn't even sound like the same tune!! Better get some more smack Keef and get back the sound!!

6. Eric Clapton. They should call Eric "Satan" instead of "God". To go from the 20 minute workout of "Spoonful" in Cream to evertthing else in his career can only be the work of the devil!!!

7. Rick Nielson. I love Cheap Trick.....but gotta admit it's been all downhill since "Heaven Tonight" which was 30 years ago!! The hyped-up "comeback" records really weren't all that great.

8. Ted Nugent. Ted's too busy hunting to give a shit anymore about guitar slinging.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

2008: The Year of Lose

As I sit here alone on Christmas Eve, it's time for my annual re-cap of the year of lose. As with other years, it seems like each year gets progressively worse, and this year, as always, did not disappoint!! In fact this year may rank right up there with the worst years of my miserable life (the worst one being 1994, the year I made the big mistake and married that money grabbing cunt). Evidence, you ask?? Take a look at the facts:

1. My daughter spent 2 weeks in the hospital due to complications of her disease. Unfortunately this will be a more and more common occurrence as she gets older and it starts to wreak it's havoc on her lungs.

2. My bonus at work got docked because my boss is an asshole and doesn't like me. One of these days, one of these days when I snap....well, just watch the movie "He Was a Quiet Man" and you'll see what i'm talking about.

3. My mother got diagnosed with metastatic recurrent breast cancer and it has spread all over her body. Prognosis 12 to 24 months.

4. I'm not alone here, but my 401K has been wiped out by this fucking market crash. Not that there was much left anyway after the ex wife stole most of it. But still, I was trying to re-build it.

5. There wasn't even that many gigs to cushion the misery factor. Testament, Overkill, that's about it. Oh, and Musikfest of course.

6. I finally meet some chick who I have some things in common with. Shit, she even likes the Three Stooges. She doesn't have the standard short hair, parrot head mommy look, either. Pretty face. What could ruin this, you ask?? Well, it turns out that she used to be a fattie, and she lost the weight and now has this wrinkly, loose skin that looks like elephant hide. It was quite a shocker when I got her naked. Yikes!!! And she's a nympho, too. Just my luck. Let me tell you, when you see that skin, you want her clothes back on fast!!

It all adds up to another banner year of Lose.

Now for some random, off the topic observations and comments:

The best album of the year? There's been some new thrash stuff that is decent. Evile, Hatchet, Bonded by Blood. The new Testament and Death Angel albums were good. I hate to admit it, too, but Metallica's Death Magnetic is pretty good. The new AC/DC sucks. Best one of the year, though?? Perhaps Sword's "Gods of the Earth".

Is it me, or does pro wrestling suck now?!! What happened to characters?? All it is now is a bunch of buff guys in tights, who go by their real names!! Were are the evil managers, like Lou Albano, Freddie Blassie, Grand Wizard?? Where are the wacky, over the top characters?? The last wrestling bit that I enjoyed was the WCW's "NWO" stuff.

Notice how all the hot chicks are wearing those UGG boots. That's the latest trend for being horny in the winter. sorta like those flip flops in the summer. Brown UGG boots, that's the hot item. Worn with tight jeans, and a white "snow bunny" ski jacket. "oooh look at me, i'm a snow bunny!!!"

Signing off on Xmas Eve..........Merry Fucking Christmas.